So when I was young I thought that if I could just get into my mid-twenties that all would be well. I would have the perfect job, the perfect wife, the perfect house, and a truly carefree life full of adventure, parties, and people that loved me. After all, that appeared to be the life that the adults around me were living. I thought of this freedom as a given, my birthright in a sense. Needless to say, it did not quite work out that way.
By the time I was twenty-five I had given up on the possibility that I would have anything that approached a normal happy life, let alone the life that I had idealized as a child. It was clear to me that others were to blame for the unhappiness and unease that I felt, for my failure to attain those things in life that should so rightfully have been mine. I blamed my parents whose self-centered antics had left real marks on my psyche. I blamed the women who came in and out of my life for not being strong enough, pure enough, or kind enough to fully appreciate the purity and depth of my love for them. I blamed everyone around me for the way that I felt, in complete denial of the fact that I was actually the source of all of my troubles. I was miserable and made everyone who loved or wanted to love me miserable as well.
Even into my late-thirties I just could not see the role that I played in my own life. I could not understand that I was wholly responsible for my thoughts and actions, for my peace of mind (or lack thereof), for my failures and for my successes. I was to blame for not recognizing the humanness of my parents and for not forgiving them for their inevitable human frailties. I was to blame for periodically creating those intolerable situations, full of raging jealousy and incessant demands, that drove even the best women away.
Today I live much of the life that I dreamed of as a child. Minnie and I have a relationship that is as close to perfect as is humanly possible. We have the love and respect of dear friends and of the members of our family. Both our health and are finances are good. Most importantly, I now understand that even without all of these things that my life can be full of joy if I simply allow myself to understand it to be so.
How did this happen you may ask? I believe that it was an act of God coupled with a bit of willingness on my part to honestly examine my life and make some simple changes. These changes have reformed the way that I see the world and think about life and my relationship to it. I now know that it was my thinking (and the actions that stemmed from it) that had all along been the source of my troubles, the roadblock that had kept me from finding my place in this seemingly upside down world.
It would be dishonest of me at this point not to disclose that I do fall back into my old way of thinking on a fairly regular basis. What is amazing to me is my willingness at those times to let myself stay in such a dishonest and frankly miserable place. I remember seeing somewhere a description of some sort of psychological lab test in which rats in a cage were given the option to press one of two buttons. When the pressed the red button a jolt of electricity was sent through the metallic floor of the cage that they were in. When they pressed the blue button a cookie fell out of a hole on the side of the cage. As you can imagine, it did not take long for these rats to learn that it is always better to push the blue button and get the cookie than to push the other button and get shocked.
What I have found is that it is not always so simple for me to choose to mash the cookie button. Frankly, I find it difficult at times to resist pressing the red button, knowing full well that my choice will inevitably create painful consequences for me and those around me. Go figure the workings of a reformed, yet still uncured mind. Nevertheless, what seems important to me is the fact that I now have some choice in the matter of whether I will be happy or not, whether I will push the red or blue button. For this I am and will always be immensely grateful.
By the time I was twenty-five I had given up on the possibility that I would have anything that approached a normal happy life, let alone the life that I had idealized as a child. It was clear to me that others were to blame for the unhappiness and unease that I felt, for my failure to attain those things in life that should so rightfully have been mine. I blamed my parents whose self-centered antics had left real marks on my psyche. I blamed the women who came in and out of my life for not being strong enough, pure enough, or kind enough to fully appreciate the purity and depth of my love for them. I blamed everyone around me for the way that I felt, in complete denial of the fact that I was actually the source of all of my troubles. I was miserable and made everyone who loved or wanted to love me miserable as well.
Even into my late-thirties I just could not see the role that I played in my own life. I could not understand that I was wholly responsible for my thoughts and actions, for my peace of mind (or lack thereof), for my failures and for my successes. I was to blame for not recognizing the humanness of my parents and for not forgiving them for their inevitable human frailties. I was to blame for periodically creating those intolerable situations, full of raging jealousy and incessant demands, that drove even the best women away.
Today I live much of the life that I dreamed of as a child. Minnie and I have a relationship that is as close to perfect as is humanly possible. We have the love and respect of dear friends and of the members of our family. Both our health and are finances are good. Most importantly, I now understand that even without all of these things that my life can be full of joy if I simply allow myself to understand it to be so.
How did this happen you may ask? I believe that it was an act of God coupled with a bit of willingness on my part to honestly examine my life and make some simple changes. These changes have reformed the way that I see the world and think about life and my relationship to it. I now know that it was my thinking (and the actions that stemmed from it) that had all along been the source of my troubles, the roadblock that had kept me from finding my place in this seemingly upside down world.
It would be dishonest of me at this point not to disclose that I do fall back into my old way of thinking on a fairly regular basis. What is amazing to me is my willingness at those times to let myself stay in such a dishonest and frankly miserable place. I remember seeing somewhere a description of some sort of psychological lab test in which rats in a cage were given the option to press one of two buttons. When the pressed the red button a jolt of electricity was sent through the metallic floor of the cage that they were in. When they pressed the blue button a cookie fell out of a hole on the side of the cage. As you can imagine, it did not take long for these rats to learn that it is always better to push the blue button and get the cookie than to push the other button and get shocked.
What I have found is that it is not always so simple for me to choose to mash the cookie button. Frankly, I find it difficult at times to resist pressing the red button, knowing full well that my choice will inevitably create painful consequences for me and those around me. Go figure the workings of a reformed, yet still uncured mind. Nevertheless, what seems important to me is the fact that I now have some choice in the matter of whether I will be happy or not, whether I will push the red or blue button. For this I am and will always be immensely grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment